5.5.08
I haven't written in my journal in a couple of weeks. I guess I've let things get on my mind and I've dismissed writing. I believe it's good to write things down, at least to get rid of them.
Right now and for the last few days, I've had a lot of anger on me. Why? It's not any one thing, it's a collage of events, cool word. Right now I feel totally discombobulated, another cool word. And the reason for this, in my opinion, is because God isn't letting me have my way. Why does He have to be that way?
Well, this is a big question and I believe it could have many answers, though, there's only one righteous answer. If I choose to follow Him, I must sacrifice ALL of my ways, my desires, and my will, and choose to live by and follow His Will.
I've recently learned again, well actually I got a revelation. Jesus said in Mark 8:34, “Whosoever will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.” I have chosen and am choosing to follow Christ, but so many times I don't want to deny myself, I don't want to take up my cross, I just want to get the blessings without any sacrifice.
I am so very greatly attacked with self righteousness, I get mad and angry because something doesn't happen the way I want. I'm upset because God isn't letting me have my way, and then rewarding me by saying, “Well done my good and faithful servant.” Who do I think I am? But this is, at times, my mindset, whether I'm aware of it or not. I'm aware of it now and I don't want it. I want to be righteous, I want to do what my Father says.
The revelation I got, that I just mentioned is, it's not what I can do, even when I do what He says, it's what God is doing in me. I can't do anything unless allowed by my Father. It's what He is doing, He has begun a good work in me and will perform until the day of Jesus Christ, Php 1:6.
Ok, after saying all of that, I've been wanting and trying to write something, to post in my blog, but I haven't been able to keep my head. The smallest things set me off. I have anger problems, which I've mentioned before, and this causes me to not think right and to shut down.
As much as I've written here, I don't know how much of it goes together or actually makes any since, but I've finally written something and I'm gonna post it the way it is. Also, I have this thing about being perfect, I'm a perfectionist, so everything I write has to be perfect, even though I make mistakes all of the time, look at my other posts. I'm gonna try and just write regardless of how it sounds or looks. I like writing and I have a lot of good stuff to write. I hope and trust you can look past the mistakes and enjoy what I write and, God willing, learn something.
I think I've written enough, I feel such an incredible release. Thank You Father. If I can get my computer to let me post this, I will.
God bless y'all.
Servant21
PS This started out being a journal entry, merely to release. How cool is our Father. He let me write just to write and it turned out to be something I can post.
No comments:
Post a Comment